Friday, February 24, 2012
Two Outta' Three Ain't Bad (Sigh).......
I had accumulated a number of errands and thought today would be the right time to get them out of the way. But, as Cindy and I say to each other on a daily basis---nuthin's easy!
Not sure why that is, exactly, but the simplest chore is just plain difficult these days. Let me illustrate.....
My plan was to go to my pharmacy just after it opened to avoid any crowd and get the shingles vaccine that my doctor had prescribed (if you've ever had chicken pox, you oughta' consider getting this, because it can save you a lot of grief).
OK, so I get to the pharmacy. No one else is there except a few workers. I tell the nice lady waiting on me that I am there to get my shingles shot. Of course, there was a mess-up on the paperwork which took 20 minutes to straighten out. Then the pharmacist made me fill out a questionnaire (things like "are you allergic to this this this this this this ad nauseum) This bothered me because my doc had already gone thru this and had written the prescription, but I kept my mouth shut because it's not the pharmacist's fault her management makes her do that stuff.
Anyhoo, I wait another 10 minutes and the pharmacist comes out of her cubbyhole dressed in hospital greens and gloved up like a heart surgeon. I told her, "Hey---relax...I'm here for a vaccination, not a bypass". She thought that was funny. I like it when people laugh at my jokes. Ha.
The vaccination went in the back of my forearm. Not my shoulder. Not my derriere. It didn't hurt at all. I congratulated her on the smoothness. Then I got up to leave, but she said I had to hang around for 15 minutes before I could leave because she said if I had a reaction to the vaccine it would prolly happen within the 15 minute window and they would need to be available to save my life. I told her that was quite thoughtful and I appreciated it. She laughed again. I was beginning to like this woman.
After 15 minutes I departed the pharmacy, still alive, and set out for West Town Mall, some 14 minutes distant. Mission: to acquire after shave lotion in a pourable bottle, and to get wifey a deep cooker. Man, this was gonna be a snap, right? RIGHT???
First stop: Dillard's Department Store. The friendly women at the Estee Lauder counter said they had no men's after shave in a pourable bottle---all they had was spray bottles. Now, I realize I'm a simple man and am usually a little slow to "catch on", but I immediately started trying to figure out in my head how the sam hill anyone uses after shave in a SPRAY BOTTLE. It makes no sense to me. I mean.......I shave, right? Then I take a spray bottle and spray that stuff on my face, getting it in my eyes, ears, hair, nose and whatever else happens to be in the way. It sounds messy, inconvenient and STUPID. Seeing the blank stare on my face, they directed me to the "men's" counter in the next room.
I get to the men's counter, and of course, there is no one there. I wait a few minutes while perusing the contents of the display case, and finally a zoned-out clerk appears. She completely disregards me (you remember me, don't you---THE CUSTOMER!?!?). I wait about 5 minutes while she straightens her hair and applies makeup in a mirror. It's funny, because I was standing right behind her so that she could see me, THE CUSTOMER, in the mirror behind her. This mattered not.
Woman finally gets herself looking a way that pleases her and then turns to me...."Can I help you?" "Why yes", I retorted, "Thank you very much."
"I would like to buy some after shave in pourable bottle."
"Oh, we have this really nice scent called "Eternity" --- would you like to smell it?"
"Why, yes, thank you". Sniff Sniff. "Yes, I like that very much! I'll take it."
She takes the bottle from the box it was in and I see it is a spray bottle.
"Oh---I need it in a pourable bottle".
"It doesn't come in a pourable bottle".
"Well, why'd you show it to me if it doesn't come in a pourable bottle? I told you I need a pourable bottle. How do men use a spray bottle for after shave?"
"I don't know, sir".
Annoyed, I asked, "Well, what else ya got?"
She walked around the counter, talking to herself as she rummaged through the stock.
"Oh, sir---here is one---in a pourable bottle! Would you like to smell it?"
"Yes, I would". Sniff Sniff.
"I wouldn't know---I can't smell a thing after that last one you laid on me".
She produced a jar of coffee beans. "Here", she said--- "Sniff this and it'll clear out your smeller".
I sniff the beans. I smell the coffee quite distinctly.
She then shoves the test strip in front of my nose and I inhale the fumes---can't smell a thing. My nose's smell buds are still erased from the initial test smelling.
Disgusted and impatient to get on with my life, I tell her "I'll take it if it is in a pourable bottle".
"Sir, I can assure you it is in a pourable bottle".
"Well, humor me and take it out of the box and let me see---if it's in a pourable bottle I'll buy it."
She takes the bottle out of the package. It is in a pourable bottle but it is a cream, not a lotion.
"I told you I wanted a lotion", I said with disgust.
"I thought this was a lotion".
I bid her adieu and began looking elsewhere for my shaving lotion. First I went to Belk's Department Store. Got the runaround. They sent me to a store on the other side of the mall. Oh, well, I thought---I can always use the exercise.
On the way, I spotted a large kiosk that had hundreds of bottles of all kinds of fragrances. The nice lady asked me if she could help. I told her what I wanted. She said they had several after shave brands but they all came in spray bottles. I asked her how a man actually applies after shave to his face with a spray bottle. "I don't know", she said thoughtfully.
I continued my quest. I was now hungry, tired and I had to pee. But I pressed on. I knew---KNEW---that in this huge mall, somewhere there existed a bottle of pourable after shave of a decent quality.
Finally, I found another counter with men's fragrances. I told the nice lady what I wanted. She produced a spray bottle of Dolce and Gabbana. I never heard of it. I told her I wanted a pourable bottle. She said it also comes in a pourable bottle.
"Would you like to try it?"
"Yes, thank you". Sniff Sniff.
I can't smell a thing---been sniffin' stuff from one end of this gol-darned mall to the other....what in tarnation does it smell like?"
"Well, it's a light, citrus-based scent....very manly but not overpowering. You ought to buy it---you'll like it."
I had been worn down. I bought it. But before I left her, I asked the question that was proving to be impossible to answer, even to those "in the trade".....
"How does a guy apply after shave to his face in a spray bottle?"
She thought a minute before giving me her considered answer...
"I don't know."
I didn't even get to look for the deep cooker Cindy wants. I was too tired, worn down, hungry....and I had to pee.